Sometimes...

...I just wonder what he is doing?  Wonder what he is thinking.  Wonder if I am fulfilling the fantasy?  Wonder if he truly has any expectations of me?

I think that I am in over my head?  I wonder why this situation is so comfortable?  Wonder what if even though I am not suppose to???  Wonder if I will ever get a man of my own? Wonder why this all feels so good when I know that it is wrong? Wonder what kind of woman am I to be so good with they way this special friendship is?

I sit back and really think of how much I appreciate Professor.  I think about how special he is to so many people.  I think about what a good person he is and how his friendship is so special to me. He is always genuinely concerned about my well being, my comfort and my heart.  He's a good friend to me outside of the arrangement (he is grrreat there). 

I think about how inhibited I am with him.  How he helps me be more aware of my body.  How he always takes his time and truly appreciates my femininity. My smell, my touch, my kiss.  He appreciates it and takes care of it and makes me feel so wanted/ desired.

This is no love thing.

We are friends.

FIRST and FOREMOST.

We have this precious bond that allows our arrangement to work. We are comfortable together and it’s always been like that in a platonic since – initially but of course now things are a little different. He has always made me feel sexy. The way he looks at me. The way he sounds when we converse. The way he reacts when I provide him with some head. He always reminds me how beautiful I am and how he enjoys talking to me. It’s easy and I am easy for him.

He manages to be my friend first which allows him to always make me feel like a lady. I don’t feel dirty, cheap, or paid for like a prostitute. In fact it is not always about sex – we haven’t even had sex yet, well not intercourse. It is all about the fantasy and fun with us. He is a “special” friend that helps me out A LOT but we are mutually beneficial. I am not trying to fall in love and he is already in love with his wife.

This is all rather new to me and it is not something that I do on a regular. I have generally stayed away from unavailable men but this opportunity presented itself at the right time and it’s working thus far. We discuss everything and make up our own rules as we go. There are no misguided promises, full time commitments or any extreme requests. I do not do anything that makes me uncomfortable and we learn my boundaries together. I learn more of what I like and don’t like, try some new things that I may not have the option otherwise. He is older (15 years my senior), well traveled, highly educated and intelligent. He is cultured and provides me with places, situations and circles that I may not be presented otherwise.

I like him and even care about him but I do not see me falling in love with him but he does it make it easy to fall for him. I’m still a single woman after all, unguarded and still hopeful for a man of my own.