Dirty Little Secrets

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being involved with him is an adventure. Life is short. Be sure to read from the bottom up to stay current.


In My Mind at the Moment

So, there has been a lack of everything.  FRIENDSHIP, CONVERSATION, CONSTANT CONTACT, TIME, HOBBY, PROMISES... I am truly not complaining but I am kind of lost.  We have mild conversations but have not had one in person (face to face) in a while and as you can see, I havent really had much to say as of lately.  LACK OF INSPIRATION.  The initial was exciting and always involved but now things are just going. He has been very busy at work and with his real life.  A few weeks ago he mentioned that I need to possibly find me a boyfriend as he is not always avail.  I just didnt really think that was the answer and to be quite honest - it sort of rubbed me the wrong way not really but a little.  There was always going to be time that he would be my side piece as I am his but I just havent met anyone and I generally dont have a ransom dude's my space like that.  I know that he sometimes feels bad (well maybe or not) when he amkes a plan to see me and cant make it happen.  He knows that I have been wanting him in my space and in the place BUT he has not had time or been able to make it happen.  Things have been busy for him at work and his family keeps him fairly busy on the weekend.  GOTTA STAY IN MY PLACE (know the role).  When he brought up the boyfriend thing it felt strange.  It was more in the tone.  I guess that is what happens when you are use to conversing with a person on a regular basis (constant contact - phone, email, in person) and then it is limited to sporatic text.  The emotion or connection is lost in translation.  I kind of feel lost in our friendship (special and otherwise).  It just feels disconnected (with the added sexual frustration -  STILL FUCKING HORNY).  When I saw him last week, it was limited and before that it had been two weeks also limited - good and very nice to be in his presence.  We were suppose to do something for my birthday and that didnt happen.  The vacation trip is not happening and sometimes he doesnt respond to me for long periods of time.  DISCONNECT. I know, I know I know.... I sound kind of sappy, overly sensitive and complicated.  I am really not trying to be.  I never want to burden him with how I am feeling or my disappointments because I am suppose to be easy, uncomplicated, fun and full of fantasy.  HONESTLY, I just really miss our friendship.  I miss the constant contact.  I miss him being attracted to me and the way he looked at me when I would attempt to do something "special".  I sometimes feel like he is over this arrangement and me.   Then I will get a text from him stating that he misses me and our conversations.  I always smile.  When I do have him for the limited time I try to make the most of  it when we have it but far too often I make me way available and something happens.  I try to take care of him and do the things that he likes when we are together (play my role).  I try to make sure that Professor is pleased and satisfied.  He generally releases and seems to be fulfilled.   That part is good and I sincerely enjoy pleasing him.  It never feels like a task.  It's always feels and taste good.  I just miss the constant contact, real conversation, coffee or drinks with pleasant sides of conversation and interaction, he wanting to be in my space.  I understand and it should all be easier once my time is more occupied.  Then we will change again.  I am just going with the flow and needed to get this shit off my chest. Whatcha think?

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